There is an inherent contradiction in attempting to discriminate among brands of box wine -- anyone with discriminating taste probably would not pour their wine from a plastic spout. However, as one such brand so proudly trumpets on the side of its box: "More than one out of every eight glasses of wine consumed in America (outside of restaurants) is Franzia Wine-on-Tap." So somebody must be drinking it. Besides us. We know you're out there.

In a feeble effort to justify our poor taste, we sat slumped on piles of empty wine boxes, and explained this statistic to second-year Engineering student Nicole White. Her sharp technical mind quickly saw past Franzia's statistical numerology. "Maybe that's because people who drink box wine tend to drink it by the gallon," she said as she inched towards the oh-so Delicious Peter Vella Red. (Bitch.)

Wine is the drink of the aristocracy -- consumed for its rich flavor, its intoxicating aroma, and its sheer snob appeal. It must be served at the proper temperature, in the appropriate glass, and with food that complements its undertones. It simply begs to be savored. None of this holds true for box wine. We drink it warm, we drink it cold. We drink it out of cappuccino mugs, Holiday Inn courtesy cups, even Snapple bottles (excellent for in-class consumption). We accompany it with Twizzlers, micro-waved fondue cheese, or nothing at all (not recommended). Although it would be near impossible to actually savor the flavor of the wine, we did savor its effects. The box even earned the affectionate epithet: "two cubic feet of fun."

In fact, the box so inspired us that we prepared these extraordinarily poetic (pathetic?) verses in its honor:

A Tribute to Box Wine:
An Intoxicating(ed?) Collection of Haikus

Delicious box wine.
Why do you do this to me?
I didn't eat that.

Expiration date?
I know you'll never make it.
Another glass, please.

Oh, black plastic spout,
I can no longer work you.
Give me the damn wine.

Box wine gives new meaning to "fine" wine -- not great, but just fine for our purposes. It is completely satisfactory, totally all right, and 100 percent adequate. It gets the job done without making a fuss -- and for a price per gallon only slightly higher than that of milk. We could all learn a lesson from box wine, but will we remember it in the morning?

The Wine Line-Up Price Alcohol Content Aroma / Stench Franzia White Grenache $8.99 for 3 liters 9%! Like a disinfected bathroom. Peter Vella "Delicious" Red $12.99 for 5 liters 9.5%!! Grape-i-licious Almaden Mountain Chablis $9.99 for 5 liters 11.5%!!!!!!! Transcends description

The Wine Line-Up Taste (1st glass) Taste (5th glass) Franzia White Grenache Better than the Schlitz we were drinking earlier. Better than anything. Ever. Peter Vella "Delicious" Red Obnoxiously fruity (not unlike Patrick after his nth glass). The name says it all. Almaden Mountain Chablis How am I going to get my nail polish off if I drink the remover? Goes down real easy (not unlike Laurie after her nth glass).

The Wine Line-Up Side Effects Special Features Franzia White Grenache Complete loss of morals / inhibitions / standards (You thought beer goggles were bad, try looking through a box!) Appearance of mysterious bruises and stains "Freshness Assurance" guarantees this wine will never age to perfection Peter Vella "Delicious" Red Nightmarish visions of Pokemon Loss of proprioception Marked proclivity towards unfamiliar technical terms Includes Peter's personal testimony to wine's versatility and tasty nature. Delicious, my ass. Almaden Mountain Chablis Vomiting things you swear you did not consume Banishment from Trax (NOT a strip club) Big Lots purchases suddenluy seem "useful," even "necessary" Exciting, yet somewhat frightening, patented twist-n-serve disposer.