The words "investigative report" kind of make you tingle, no? Especially if you know that it's "undercover" or "caught on tape." When you really think about it, the close inspection of pop culture, or, on the other end of the spectrum, unorthodox happenings, is quite intriguing. The female reporter who posed as a Bunny at the Playboy Club. The 27-year old woman going undercover to discover the inner workings of sorority rush. An FBI agent pretending to be a part of the KKK. Daring to cross boundaries for the sake of discovery, I decided to bring the truth to you, the reader. My risk: exploring the darker side of men's monthly magazines. Yes, I was the woman in line at the University Bookstore, holding three magazines, each featuring a girl (no more than 16-years old) in some stage of undress. Fascinating!

I'm no feminist; at least, according to the most traditional definition I'm not. This project was more a product of curiosity than of anything else. I started reading girls' magazines about ten years ago, with Seventeen and YM. As with many of today's 12 year-olds, these publications helped me develop the mild neurosis that is known as "I'm too fat-skinny-tall-smart-athletic." I'd like to think that a woman eventually grows out of that mindset, but it's kind of hard when Cosmo has nicknamed 5'10'', 115 lb, Brazilian supermodel Giselle "the Body." The Body? Is she a wrestler?

But I've gotten off track. My real problem with Cosmo is the way it shows women to be so catty and brainless. If a man were to pick up an issue and use it as a basis for his opinion of women, he would think that all we ever do is play mind games, rate wonderbras, test the Cosmo Karma Sutra (a religious leader somewhere has to be throwing a fit over that one), and get revenge on ex-boyfriends. All while losing weight and purchasing Burberry slacks, of course. However, I have to admit I read an issue the same way some people are drawn to stare at a car wreck. It's so bad you have to check just how bad. For instance, this month's issue features the blurb "I Threw Her Panties in His Face." What? And then I feel dirty for looking, like I have betrayed some unspoken code of the down-to-earth woman.

Since Cosmo exploits woman's weaker, even stereotypical qualities i.e., jealousy, a love for shoes, I figure today's men's magazines must do the same. I initially set out to attack the portrayal of women in these things, but in the women's equivalent found Johnny Chiselface, the male fashion accessory. Being a fair person, I want to explore a sampling of publications and give a review of each. But remember, just because I'm fair doesn't mean I'm always kind. I want to focus on the magazines that might offend your dates, male readers. Read what you want, but remember that these magazines might tag you a beer drinking meathead. And hide them if you buy them. I don't deny that, when some friends and I found a Maxim in a male friend's bathroom, we tore Denise Richards' face off the cover and flushed it down the toilet.

DETAILS

This one I could actually read. Aside from the girl who looks about 13-years-old on the cover, it seems pretty practical. It gives tips on buying suits and handling a real relationship. No worse than any benign women's magazine. Maybe I had a personal preference for this magazine because I'm predisposed to love kitsch. If you like quirky stuff, Details could be your magazine. The section called the Next-to-Last Page (where women's magazines usually print fashion don'ts of the Hollywood circuit) suggests things we can do with the world's excess supply of plastic bags, too-crunchy cookies, and Phillip Seymour Hoffman movies. I also enjoyed the blip that exposes Chuck Wollery's past job as an easy-listening vocalist, with songs like "Your Name is Woman." Ha, I love it! Details is also a neat magazine because it covers the highlights of the Independent Spirit Awards (think Anti-Oscars) and reviews a range of Australian Shiraz wines. Don't get me wrong. This is still a men's magazine at heart. Sports, technology, porn jokes. Overall, I think this magazine is quite tolerable. I found only one photo of a woman with her pelvis in the air.

GEAR

I am keeping in mind that I only have one month's issue as a reference, but right away I'm disturbed. This could be a mild magazine any other month, but the fact that they invited an 18 year-old girl to change her career by posing semi-nude really gets my goat. Yes, 18 year-olds can do whatever they want. I'm aware of that fact, I used to be that age myself. However, the girl uses the opportunity to whine about her good girl image, thinking that showing tittie will prove her broad acting range. No, honey, wrong! And what makes it worse is that in every photo she pouts as if she's been punched in the mouth; my favorite is the shot of her squatting in a public restroom sink in white panties. It's not provocative; it looks like kiddie porn. I also find a problem with topless models (oh, love the arm as a nipple concealer, by the way. We're always doing that when we find ourselves -- oops -- without a shirt) selling women's jeans in a men's magazine. Gear provides enough suits, Limp Bizkit, muscles, and sports video games to attract the male reader, but from the number of articles about the new sexy, powerful woman, I get the feeling its readers may be a little disillusioned. A woman does not need to use her sexuality to get into a power position.

MAXIM

Oh, you'll love this. As excruciating as it is to look at this magazine, its crap level gives it kind of a humorous feel. Let me rephrase that. If you know you aren't this kind of man, this will make you piss your pants from sheer hilarity. When I read the first letter to the editor, I knew I was in for a treat. I'll quote a little here, "Those spicy photos [of some girl in fishnets] simply blew my mind, especially since they ran next to a series of Jim Beam ads with the great big whisky bottles all over the place." Yee-hah Jim-Bob! I've dated some guys with thick skulls before, but you take the dim-boy cake. Bravo! Maxim also runs a monthly feature called "Liar, Liar." This month you can learn how to pretend to be a Top Gun pilot and pick up girls. How sweet. I also think the accidental female reader will appreciate the photos of mating gazelles and little photo captions like "I got such a bad sunburn, a nurse had to spread aloe over me every half-hour," in the "swimsuit" section. Not only am I confused by women's swimsuits in a men's magazine, I am also baffled by the need to include some veiled commentary that would make a 13-year old boy giggle. All I can say about Maxim is "Hello, Beavis and Butthead!"

So, we find that men as well as women's magazines cater to our base desires. We want to learn how to be rich, thin, and get laid. Or you would think so if you read some of the magazines at the Bookstore. Do yourself a favor and read a book.