Those who made the fall pilgrimage back to the Corner this year were greeted not by the familiar three, but by two - rather one and a half. Espresso Royale has reinvented its cozy back half into a do it yourself pizzeria. And where Espresso Corner was - a gaping black hole! What had happened to Espresso Corner? Was it remodeling? Had it closed? What would replace it?

As a semi-intrepid reporter, I was determined to find out. Thinking that the best info would be close to home, I trotted over to the heart of darkness itself, the Corner.

A highly scientific survey of the Corner community revealed that no one actually knew what happened to Espresso Corner. The clerk at Coyote shrugged her shoulders, and said "I don't know." The guy behind the register at Plan 9 took several seconds to process the question, and after he warmed his lips up with a few soundless contortions, came back with the same answer. I went into Lucky 7, but decided that I was way, way out of my league and just bought a lighter. I should have known better than to try and attack such a closed community with my decidedly low-key interviewing style.

In frustration, I turned back and made a final stop at Espresso Royale. If anyone knew the answer to the question, it would be these fine folks. Maybe they would even gloat a little, assuming conspiratorial smiles and making sinister allusions to how their coffee-serving prowess (plus the services of a shady, stocky man named "Guido the Club") had brought down their Corner competition.

In my position as undercover reporter, I purchased a tall glass of cranberry juice before asking the big question. "So what happened to Espresso Corner?" The woman taking my change shrugged her shoulders. "It closed." I decided to go out on another limb and try a second question. "I bet you're happy that there's less competition." "Mmmmm."

Realizing that it would be useless, and worse, socially awkward to keep on standing at the counter, I dumped my quarter into the tip jar, which had a sign pasted on reading "Support Counterintelligence," and skulked back to a table. Counterintelligence indeed. After nursing my cranberry juice for a sulky eternity, I realized that my time allotted to investigative journalism had run out. Unenlightened, I returned to whence I came. End of my investigative journalism career.

I would say something about the decline and fall of the Corner coffee shop, about the monolithic forces of Starbucks toppling the flower of capitalism that is the community-centered small business. That goes pretty well with my Big Three metaphor. Only containment is the answer. Go visit Espresso Royale, if you can. Eat their pizza (it's better than Gumby's! Really!) and fight the forces of darkness.

Then again, if you don't want to, you don't have to. The real moral is never love, because it'll only break your heart when they leave you. Excuse me, I need to go off into a corner and cry now.

(P.S. For those of you who actually would like to know what the former Espresso Corner is turning into, Orbit's is expanding downstairs. Whee!)